First Meeting of the MYAMP
by madmiko
Summary: IYYYH The pregnant male characters of YuYu Hakusho and Inuyasha meet to protest their condition.


Well, what can I say? This little idea struck me when I was laughing my butt off at a picture I saw on DeviantArt, titled "Protest against pregnant men," by youkobutt. After that, there was just NO WAY I could get serious enough to attack the current chapter of "Black Widow Miko" I'm working on, until I let it out. This, my friends, I'm sad to say, is the result.

DISCLAIMER: The fine, dashing, and completely non-pregnant male characters, (and Kagome), from "InuYasha" and "YuYu Hakusho," are the products and property of Takahashi-san and Togashi-san. And whoever got them pregnant should be ashamed of themselves.

The cast of pregnant characters consists of: Youko, Kurama, (as separate characters), Kuronue, Hiei, Majin Hiei, (as separate characters), Touya, Inuyasha, Kouga, Ginta, and Hakkaku.

First Meeting of the MYAMP (Male Youkai Against Male Pregnancies)

"All right, all right. Will you bitches take a seat already so we can get on with this?"

"Ha ha. Very funny, Youko, but I see you are in the same predicament that the rest of us are," Kurama pointed out, indicating Youko's swollen belly.

"Damn! My feet are killing me! Look how swollen my ankles are. Don't you have any footstools around here so I can prop them up?" Kouga grouched.

"Hmph. Like he has any right to complain after what he did to _us_," Ginta whispered to Hakkaku.

"I thought you were serving refreshments. That's the only reason I agreed to meet with you whiny, waddling drama queens," Majin Hiei glared at everyone, while rubbing his protruding stomach.

"I suppose you'd like some ice cream," Kurama smiled.

"If anyone so much as mentions those two words again in the same sentence, I will slit your throats. The very thought of it makes me nauseated," Hiei threatened, turning just a bit green.

"I'm sorry, Hiei, I thought you had gotten over that queasiness," Kurama apologized, rubbing his shoulders.

"Hn. Save your apologies for someone who cares." He smacked his hands away.

"Are we going to _do_ something about this shit?!!? Or are you all just going to sit around and cluck like a bunch of old hens?" Inuyasha demanded.

"Look who's talking," Kouga jerked his thumb at him. "You don't even know who knocked you up, you dumb dog."

"If it comes out smelling like wolf-shit, you'd better be ready to take the 2:00 a.m. feeding," he snarled at him.

"2:00 a.m. feeding? We've got to feed these things at 2:00 A.M.?!!?" Hakkaku yelled a bit hysterically.

Kurama looked at him disapprovingly. "Somebody needs to read his copy of Good Parenting."

"And _somebody_ needs to bring out the refreshments," Majin Hiei tapped his foot impatiently. "I'm carrying twins, you know, so I'm eating for _three_."

Kuronue covered his face with his hand and snickered. "You _look_ like you're eating for _five_."

"Oh, like you're one to talk. I saw you trying to take off yesterday, -- you couldn't even get two feet off the ground."

"Ahem! Can we please direct the conversation to the subject at hand? Something has got to be done about all these male pregnancies. How are we supposed to be the dashing heroes of our series if we have to go pee every 20 minutes? I can barely use my Rose Whip because my center of gravity has shifted, and I keep throwing myself off-balance," Youko announced.

"Here, here!"

"Yeah, whose bright idea was it to make us pregnant in the first place? I'm a guy, damnit! Isn't it bad enough that I can't seem to decide between a dead woman and a live one, without having some other guy stick his …"

"Inuyasha! There's no need for that kind of crudeness," Kurama admonished him.

The hanyou glared at him. "Shit! It's all you Yu Yu guys' fault in the first place. _Yours_ in particular. If you weren't so damn _pretty_. At least you and him _wanted _to be together," he pointed to Hiei. "It figures you'd both be pregnant by now."

"You have exactly five seconds to retract that statement before you have an unscheduled caesarian," Hiei drew his sword. "Help me out of this seat, damn it!"

"Calm down, Hiei. You know you're supposed to watch your blood pressure if you don't want to end up on total bed rest," his partner told him, patting his back soothingly.

"Get your hands off of me!"

Kurama cupped his hands around his mouth and whispered, "He's been irritable lately, -- hormones, you know."

"See?!!? _That's_ what I'm talking about. It's obvious you two are together, so it's no wonder people started thinking 'what happens next?' And the answer is: they have a baby, because that would be so damn cute," Inuyasha said, his disgust plain on his face. "If you two could have just _stayed away from each other_, none of the rest of us would be in this mess."

"Bullshit! You can't blame _us_ for _that_," Hiei snorted, as he pointed his katana at Inuyasha's belly. "You're not pretty like the fox _or_ little like me. And just because he's just about the only person I can stand for more than 5 minutes at a time without killing him, doesn't mean I'm '_in love_' with him, or want to have mad, passionate sex with him every time he bats his eyelashes or flashes those big, green eyes at me."

Kurama blushed and patted his own bulging belly. "Well, …"

"Oh, shut up! The only reason I'm here is because I'm under 5 feet tall, and you know it!! If I were _your_ height, my dangerous edge would have the females swarming all over me, instead of just saying, 'Oh, he's so _cute_,' and drawing little chibi pictures of me. Damn it! I'm a freaking badass youkai, not your cuddly little teddy bear. You're the one with the history and reputation for being such a sexual dynamo, and you won't even _look_ at the females flinging themselves at your feet. So, it all goes back to Youko and his relationship with Kuronue," the fire demon scowled at them. "Though it doesn't explain why _**I'm **_the one they usually put in a maternity dress. Look at your hair!" he grumbled.

"Now just one minute there. Just because we worked together and enjoyed each other's company doesn't mean we were up to anything, either. And even if we were, _**I**_ certainly shouldn't be pregnant," Youko declared.

Kuronue glared at him. "And just what is _that_ supposed to mean? I'm every bit as ruthless and cool as you are, _plus_ I've got the pimp hat. I think if anyone should be pregnant, it's _you_, blondie. And they're going to have to start airbrushing your pin-ups because of those stretch marks you're getting."

"You really _are_ a bitch, Kuronue. At least my face isn't breaking out. Don't ask me to make up any more of that cream for you," Youko snarled back at him. Then he turned to Inuyasha, "As for _you_, what gives you the right to blame any of _us_ for what's happening?"

The small, blue-haired youkai with the spiked green bangs who had been sitting by himself in a corner spoke up, "No, he's right. I've been sitting here quietly, listening to you all moan and bellyache about this, but if you hadn't started referring to each other as "partner" and crap like that, _**I**_ wouldn't be in this mess. Hell, I'm just a minor character! But since you four keep hooking up, people started thinking, 'Hmmm. What about Jin and Touya? They'd be cute together, too.' It's the domino effect."

"Exactly!" Ginta nodded.

"Yeah! Why couldn't we just go on being stupid sidekicks, instead of sex slaves? You should have tried to build the pack up some other way, Kouga," Hakkaku huffed.

Everyone thought about that for a minute, then, "Hey, how come Jin isn't pregnant?"

"Good question. Apparently our _relationship_ only goes one way," Touya said sourly. "You notice Yusuke isn't pregnant, either, even though he's the one who tupped Majin Hiei."

"I was wondering who did him with him looking like _that_," Kouga laughed.

"Shut up, you fools! When I'm done with these sandwiches, I'm going to neuter the lot of you."

"You know, I have to confess _**I**_ was a bit surprised to see you here, too. Yusuke, huh?" Kuronue asked.

"Don't look at me like that. I'm not into the 'partners' thing, either," he glared at them, with his yellow eyes glowing. "It was a freaking one-in-a-million shot."

"Well, he sure as hell didn't bank it off a mirror like the Rei Gun," Kuronue said, causing everyone to start snickering.

"Leave him alone. I know just how he feels. Some of us are he-men, and we shouldn't be forced to go through this. I mean, he may be little, which automatically seems to put him in the girl's place, but in _that_ form, everyone should leave him alone," Inuyasha spoke up.

"He-men? Shit, dog-breath, you've been uke for every male youkai in our series. It's no wonder you ended up PG."

"Yeah? Well, look down, you mangy wolf. You're every bit as pregnant as _**I **_am! Sesshoumaru got you, didn't he?"

Kouga growled. "Yeah. Who the hell made _him_ a taiyoukai, anyway? He's prettier than _they_ are," he pointed at Kurama and Youko, "and yet he's always seme. _He_ should be the one sitting here with his back aching from carrying a litter, but noooooooo. He gets to stand around and smirk, and joke with Naraku and that damn monk about how bitchy we are these days."

Inuyasha started growling, too. "Don't remind me. I should take the Tetsusaiga and shove it up their asses. It would serve all three of them right."

"Wait. You mean Kouga, Sesshoumaru, Naraku, _and _Miroku could _all_ be responsible for your condition? And you're blaming _us_?!!? I think that makes you the biggest slut here. Ever think of saying 'no?' I guess a little scratch behind the ears is all it takes for you, huh?" Kuronue shook his head.

"_Why, you _… !!"

"Will you all please calm down? This isn't helping anything. I thought we were here to find a solution to the problem so this won't happen again," Kurama reminded them.

"Well, hell. What can we do, short of killing Sesshoumaru?" Kouga asked.

"Yeah, they won't let us do that. Shit, they won't even let me kill Naraku," Inuyasha added.

Kouga turned to him, "What about the monk?"

"Nah. _He'd _be in here, too, if he wasn't human. Besides, who else would put up with Sango?"

"Good point."

Youko interrupted their musings, "We certainly can't kill _each other_ off, or our whole series would revolve around Yusuke and Kuwabara. There must be another way to stop this craziness."

"Ow!!"

"What is it, Touya?"

"The baby kicked. Look! You can see it moving."

"Damn! How far along are you anyway?" Kouga asked.

"I've got a couple of months to go."

"Me, too. I'll be glad when this is over. I'm so tired of sleeping on my back." Ginta said.

"You said it! And I can't even fit into my fire-rat hakamas anymore," Inuyasha complained.

Kuronue spoke up, "Oh, I know an excellent tailor who could let those out for you. Or you might want to look into an outfit like Youko's. I think he'll be able to wear his right up to the end."

"Or you could get a cloak like Hiei's," Kurama piped in.

"But that wouldn't solve the hakama problem," Inuyasha said.

"Sure it would. He isn't wearing anything underneath it. By the way, Youko, I found a great plant to make an ointment for those stretch marks."

"I've just been using cocoa butter," Hakkaku said.

Touya turned to him. "Does that work?"

The ookami nodded.

"Hey, does anyone have anything for sore nipples?" Kouga asked.

Majin Hiei snorted. "You sure a whiny, wimpy bunch. Try sleeping with _two_ of them rolling around in there. At least my claws are longer and tougher than ever, and my hair has never been so shiny and manageable. Got any dessert?"

The others just stared at him.

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"You see? This Sesshoumaru told you there was nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, you're right," Yusuke grinned as he stepped away from the window they had been looking through. "It's just like you said, -- their big 'protest meeting' turned into a hen party."

"Haw! I still can't believe they were stupid enough to get caught like that," Chuu laughed, and took a swig from the bottle he was holding.

"I sure am glad _we_ have been deemed masculine enough, or powerful enough," Jin glanced in Sesshoumaru's direction, "to be spared that fate."

"Indeed. And for all of Youko, Kuronue, and Kurama's fabled cunning, they are apparently too stupid to see how to avoid it. As minor characters, Touya, Ginta, and Hakkaku will simply have to suck it up, whatever the whims of the public may be, and Inuyasha and Kouga are too wimpy to grasp and force the solution. But the others, … well, I suppose that perhaps underneath it all, they secretly yearn to play such a nurturing role," Naraku smirked.

"What? You mean there _**is**_ a way for them to keep from getting pregnant?" Miroku asked.

"Of course. But, I doubt they will discover it. If they _do_, then we will all have to go that route, too, or be stuck on the sidelines."

"Well, what is it?" Yusuke asked.

Sesshoumaru frowned and inclined his head towards the figure knocking on the door.

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"Hello, everyone! Are you all feeling all right? I brought some snacks for your meeting, -- just some pocky and chips, and soda," Kagome said, setting two big bags down on the table.

Youko and Kurama looked at each other, while Kuronue stared at her for a moment. "It would seem, gentlemen, that the solution to our problem is right before us," Youko said smoothly.

Hiei's head snapped up, and the others all turned to look at Youko, then at Kagome.

"You mean, … Kagome?" Inuyasha asked incredulously. "If that was the case, I wouldn't be here!"

"No, you and Kouga are still doomed. You're still sniffing around a walking corpse, and he's too stupid to just take off with her. Plus, in the anime, he's got Ayame claiming he made a prior commitment to her. But, _we_ can focus on winning her in a dashing and commanding fashion, and turn the tide of public opinion. She's a female character most people can root for, -- caring, innocent, self-sacrificing, and completely accepting of everyone -- she'd even love Majin Hiei. And she's not all sweet and syrupy, either -- she's got that fiery hair-trigger temper. We can all play up our dark, cold, dominant male traits, -- well, all of us but Kurama, and he's got his looks and charm to fall back on. It's perfect.

Shit, if we had a great female character like her in our series, none of this crap would have started in the first place. We can't touch Yukina because of Hiei, and because nobody else would ever love Kuwabara. Keiko is Yusuke's, and besides that, who wants to be smacked around by a girl all the time. Botan's a bubblehead, who works with dead people, which is just creepy. And Shizuru's just too damn mean and independent, -- she'd just emasculate us all again," Kuronue explained, as he pushed himself up off the couch and started towards Kagome.

"Oh, _hell_ no! You're right. She's the one. Fuck Kikyou." And Inuyasha rolled out of his chair.

"That wouldn't do at all. _You're _the only who would go for that. And maybe Naraku," the koumari said with a smile.

"Very funny. Now stay away from Kagome! Everybody knows she's mine!" Inuyasha took up a defensive position in front of her.

"Possession is nine-tenths of the law, hanyou, and you've already had your chance. Step aside or prepare to kiss steel," Hiei warned. "Damn it! Somebody help me out of this fucking chair!"

All of the males started grunting and struggling to get to their feet.

"Um, … guys? What are you doing?" Kagome started backing away, glancing over her shoulder to see how far away she was from the door.

"_You_ are our way out of this ridiculous situation, onna." And in a green blur, Majin Hiei had grabbed her and made ready to take off. "Bring the snacks." And when she picked up one of the bags, they were gone.

"Damnit! How can he still move that fast when he's carrying twins?!!?" Inuyasha started cursing.

"Oh, let him go. He'll have the hardest time of all of us building up a fanbase for his pairing with her. He doesn't have our looks, _plus_ he's so short. And Kagome really is the only girl would overlook all those eyes everywhere," Youko shuddered in distaste.

"Well, crap. What are we supposed to do in the meantime?" Kouga grumbled.

"Will someone look at the backs of my legs? Are those varicose veins?" Touya asked.

"I hope everyone is going with cloth diapers," Kurama said.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------End.

I apologize.

Heh heh!


End file.
